Thursday, June 14, 2012

Oh, Baby.




I've been thinking about babies a lot lately. Not really baby fever, but more like the baby plague. For as long as I can remember I'd always wanted kids. I had this glamorous idea of motherhood in my head where I would dress them in fun and quirky clothes and we would dance around the kitchen to vintage Louis Armstrong records while baking cupcakes. There might even be a rainbow outside of the window, who knows. But the day my sisters started having kids was the day I stopped having this fantasy. See, I'm the youngest of four kids. I never really knew anyone significantly younger than me, let alone lived with them. I was never around babies. I didn't grasp the full reality of motherhood.

  After my sister had her first baby, I started to see that there was no dancing around kitchens in matching aprons licking cake batter off of beaters. Instead, there was a lot of feeding and crying and changing diapers and crying and not sleeping and crying and I realized that I didn't want any part of this. Don't get me wrong, she was small and cute when she laid there quietly and while she slept, but other than that, I quickly realized I had no idea what to do with her. I had no maternal instinct whatsoever. It's easy to imagine that you're maternal when you're never around babies or kids, but as soon as you're around them, it's the most foreign concept you can think of.  I started asking myself if this was something I actually wanted at some point in my life. Did I want to go through the sickness of pregnancy and the pain of labor to the sleepless nights of infancy and the chasing after toddlers to the defiance of teenagers? No, I didn't. I just wanted something that I could dress up and play with. Actually, that's a lie. Even playing with them would have taken up too much of my time. The more I thought about it the more unappealing the whole thing became to me.

  I am a selfish person who can barely take care of myself, let alone be responsible and give my 100% undivided attention to someone else. I thrive on downtime. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or anxious I go to a quiet place and just lay there to calm myself down. You don't get to have a break like that with children. You don't get to do anything. And I wouldn't want my kids to see me laying in a  fetal position dealing with a panic attack anyway. I wouldn't want to pass down any of my neurosis to my children. I don't want to know that I'm responsible for another human being having my shy, anti-social, hermit characteristics. So I decided that I would never have kids. There wasn't enough pros to outweigh the cons in my mind.

  So I started to think: how important is having kids to people? I went on my Facebook and asked my guys friends: "Would a woman's inability to have children effect whether or not you married her?" I got answers like, "Not if I loved her" and "There's always adoption." Then I posed another question: "Would a woman's choice of not wanting to have kids effect whether or not you married her?" The response was an almost unanimous "Yes." Guys wouldn't mind marrying a woman who was unable to have kids as long as there was an possibility for adoption whereas most guys wouldn't marry a woman who didn't want to have kids at all. Though when I told this to my brother he responded, "You can't take what the same five guys that always comment on your posts have to say and think they're the general consensus." Which was true. Maybe I didn't poll enough men. But even just polling a handful of guys, it seemed like they were all on the same page. They all wanted kids. (Perhaps because they weren't the ones who had to push them out of their vagina.) They wanted kids so badly that they would not marry someone because of it. They would ultimately walk away from someone they love because of procreation.

  People always tell me, "you might not want kids now, but when you find someone you love, you'll want to have kids with them." Maybe. Maybe that will happen, but that isn't a guarantee and therefor I can't assume that's going to happen. I can't even find a guy that I could see myself spending more than a week with let alone someone who I want to make another human being with. Why is having kids so important anyway? Why do people feel like kids are the only joy their life has? Is it possible to feel you have a fulfilled life without having kids?  Of course you can. Look at Kristen Wiig, or Betty White, or Oprah, for goodness sakes. It is possible. I love what Margaret Cho says about not having kids, "I do not want children. When I see children, I feel nothing. I have no maternal instinct. I am barren. I ovulate sand ... I look at children and feel no pull toward them, no desire whatsoever." That is the point where I'm at right now. And maybe in ten years I'll look back on this post while cradling a baby or in between driving my kids to some organized sport and I'll be that person. But right now I'm pretty happy with the thought of not having any of that. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go selfishly read a book (with no pictures) in a quiet spot and have no obligation whatsoever to help anyone with a project due tomorrow.

Also check out Esquire's list of The Best Mothers Who Never Had Children.

15 comments :

  1. This was a great post. You should submit it to Thought Catalog..

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  2. Great post!
    I have no desire to have kids (or even adopt) (right now). My husband married me knowing that. We have been married for almost 11 years. We still have no desire to have/adopt kids.

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  3. You're not alone. I'm 30, been married for a year and have zero desire to have children. Obviously this was something my husband and I discussed before getting married.

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  4. love this post. I've never wanted kids and its always made people look at me like I'm a freak. We're not selfish for this choice. We're actually smarter for knowing that children aren't right for us and not bringing an unwanted child into the world.

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  5. I've been married six years, and thought that I wanted kids...realized just the same as you that I don't have a maternal instinct. And I really hear you on your thought about passing down genes - that's actually a big part of it for me - my husband has a lot he struggles with that would be terrible to burden someone else with.
    I love my life without kids - i feel free - i feel that i can still play whenever i want, travel wherever i want, move any time i feel like it, and choose work based on my interests instead of supporting a family. i love cooking for adults, not children. i love sleeping all night. i love my animal family. you are not alone.

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  6. and even after being married six years, not having kids is a decision we came to together. even though it wasn't what we thought would happen when we got together, this is the life we have made.

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  7. My fiancee and I are both unable to have children, which may or may not be responsible for neither of us wanting to have them, anyway. Either way, I never imagined myself with children, and though we talk about someday (way way in the future) MAYBE taking in a foster child or adopting, I think not having kids is going to slowly yet surely become less stigmatized

    keep your chin up and focus on doing what makes you feel and act your best and you can only attract what you need in your life <3

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  8. i totally support either way- i think we as a society should stop projecting onto other people what they SHOULD want or SHOULD aspire to be. live a full, passionate life and see where it takes you. for some, that will include children and for others, that will be other equally as worthy pursuits. Maurice Sendak, who recently passed away, had a great perspective on the subject, if you ever wish to read it. that said, five years ago, i was of the "no kids for me" mindset. my career (i'm a TV/film producer) was my focus, i valued travel, art, running. in no way did kids factor into the life i was leading or even the life i envisioned for myself. (living in LA, i was surrounded by like minded people, which sort of made my own viewpoint not just acceptable, but honestly, preferred.) and then, without notice, all that changed. as can happen (and trust me, i was a blindsided), i met someone. someone that sparked a definitive MAYBE in me. maybe i'll have kids. maybe raising children is not what i thought it'd be, in a good way. maybe it's an adventure i might like to take. that person is now my husband and i'm 31 and though i haven't exactly caught baby fever- it's interesting to ponder the MAYBE...life has a weird way of surprising you sometimes. then again, talk to me in 10 years;-)

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  9. I'm really enjoying reading all of your comments and thoughts about the subject. It's nice to see that there are other people out there that feel the same as me on this topic, especially those of you who are married and have made a decision for a "child-free" lifestyle with your spouse. It's reassuring to know that I'm not totally crazy for not wanting this "traditional" lifestyle that society sort of makes you think you need to have.

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  10. I love this post and laughed out loud at the Margaret Cho quote! I never cared about having kids until I got pregnant. My son is 7 months old now, and I love him like crazy, but I definitely get it - the not having a maternal pull or instinct. I didn't have a speck of one until he came along. He makes me happy every day, but you can absolutely have a happy, fulfilling, satisfying life without children. You just need to do what feels right for you!

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  11. I think there are a lot of people nowadays making that choice. So I don't think you'll be an unhappy single grumpy cat lady because of that choice.

    My dad told me once as he neared his 60th birthday that the older you get in life, especially when death is nearer and many of your friends are sick and have died that's when you realize that what really mattered was your family and your legacy... meaning the children and lesson you taught them behind.

    At that point I wasn't 100% sold on having kids, but it struck a chord with me. I want to die surrounded by my lovely children and pass onto them all the goodness I have and hope they make this world better. One could also say that's selfish too though. :)

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  12. Thank you for your post.
    I can totally relate.

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  13. Honestly Emily, this is something that is on the rise among women all over the place. There isn't that dancing in the kitchen with matching aprons and all that you mentioned because reality has it. There is a larger number of females in the workforce then ever before. Therefore they have different priorities and goals in mind. I honestly don't see not wanting to have kids as selfish but maybe....wise? I don't know. I sometimes think that there are people that shouldn't be having kids in the first place because they weren't ready to begin with or just don't give their children the time and effort every child deserves. Not saying you will be like that of course but every one chooses to live a different life and its not like there is a kid shortage or something. Maybe you will change your mind one day or maybe not but the important part is you being content with where you are at the moment and do what you love to do.

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  14. I have a similar story to the first Anon: when we got married both my husband and I assumed we would have kids, but when we got to 30 and started to talk about more in earnest, we realized that neither of us really wanted them. Like you said, we felt that we were just far too selfish and we weren't prepared to give up our lives for them.
    I'm 44 now, and we're still happily married nearly 15 years later. I don't regret the choice -- I can't imagine our lives with kids -- but not having them does have some long-term downsides too. It's harder to make friends with other couples, since you don't meet them at school events, and if they do have kids they have completely different schedules than you. Most of my girlfriends are single and childless. And planning for retirement and old age has a finality to it that's a little scary sometimes; there isn't anyone to inherit our crap, or help us when we grow infirm, so I keep our piles of stuff pretty lean, and I am already thinking about the type of housing we will retire to when we reach our 60s.
    Like I said, I don't regret our decision, but it does make you look at the long view of your life in a different way. Much differently than anyone with kids, including our parents, does.

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